Before I began attending Al-Anon meetings, I truly felt that "I got this!” I could get my daughter's addiction under control. As a strong willed woman and mother, it seemed that I had been always able to "fix" everything for my family, so why should this be any different. Plus, I had an advantage here.
My husband is a licensed drug and alcohol counselor and has been in the field for over twenty four years now. He worked for one of the nation's most successful treatment centers supervising one of the unit's there and now for the past nine years he has been an interventionist performing hundreds of interventions throughout the world helping families getting their loved help and moving the family in the direction they also need to be. He works from home when he isn't traveling to an intervention or helping a family, so I am around hearing this dialogue every day of my life. I can do this!
Well, I can't. That is why my husband is successful at what he does. He is skilled and trained and I had no clue on what I was doing and I failed miserably.
I knew everything from hearing my husband talk to families and addicts, but everything I retained in my head came out like oatmeal whenever I would talk to my daughter. Just mush. I was telling her everything she needed to do to get help and why she didn't to do it. Finally I barked out my bottom lines to her if she didn't get help.
Yeah...all of it quickly went south of the border. What was left was just more resentment for both of us.
When she would call I would again begin to tell her everything she was doing wrong and how she was "screwing" up her life. "What are you thinking?" "Why do you want to throw your life away like this?" "Why do you hang around such losers? Don't you know these people are ruining your life?" "Why don't you stop drinking already and straighten up and become more responsible?" "Don't you realize you are a mother and your child needs you to knock this crap off?" Oh yeah...I would go on and on expecting her to give me rational answers for these; what I thought at the time were reasonable questions to ask.
Finally after a few years of hearing my husband plead with me to go to Al-Anon, I went. The years of dealing with my daughter's addiction alone left me exhausted and a very angry person. I was turning into a monster and I did not like that person at all.
That first meeting, I still had a chip on my shoulder. I walked into that meeting that night with the attitude like, "I got this. I will show them who needs Al-Anon!” No one was going to break me down with their 12 steps. I am from New Jersey! I am tough! I don't need a bunch of weak fragile people to help me!
What I encountered were a group of about 8-10 men and women that did not look weak, fragile or broken, but smiling happy faces that were hugging one another when they began walking into the room. Faces filled with hope, not despair. As the meeting began, they started going around the room saying their names and I began to get nervous. I had to tell them my name! Really? I had this feeling like in grade school when you know the teacher was going to call on you to answer. I gave my turn and felt so relieved to get that over with. I had been so nervous that I couldn't remember anyone’s name anyways. The meeting was run at first like a typical club meeting. Someone next who was the treasury of the group gave an update on account; summarizing the expenses on buying literature for our group's library, medallions, etc. The secretary gave the account of upcoming events and published items and where and when they were available. Then the person that had signed up to be this week's speaker took the reins and began the meat and potatoes of the meeting. They had a topic and gave a head lining start and told how it related to them personally or the disease. Then each person had a turn to chime in on either the topic or what they wished to contribute that night. About an hour it lasted and as it was coming to an end, people talked about signing up for weeks ahead, who would be interested in meeting for coffee or after the next meeting, and finally how nice it was to see new faces. We joined hands before leaving and said the Serenity Prayer and a closing slogan and it was over. Hugs all round followed. People came up to me and embraced me and told me how good it was that I attended and gave me a phone list of numbers of the members if I ever needed support or a ride. As we strolled out of the room in our small mass exodus to the parking lot, one woman asked me if I was planning on going to the all women's meeting on Saturday. I told her I had not known of it and she gave me the details and said she hoped she would see me there. Out in the parking lot, some conversations were continued on under the dimness of the lot lighting, while others hurried off to the cars with the sound of key beeps unlocking doors followed by engines starting. I did the same and soon grabbed my cell phone and called my youngest daughter and gave her the summary of what I just participated in. My youngest lives on the west coast and the two of us are like peas in a pod; so alike and always on the same wave length. She listened and we joked about a few things like how nervous I was at saying my name, but I felt so glad I went and I could hear in her voice how glad she was that I went too.
Since that night, I cannot even begin to describe how helpful going to Al-Anon has been to me. Fellowship with these individuals have allowed me to gather up wisdom, support and friendship that allowed me to grow into such a healthier minded person that now knows that I cannot cure this disease and being from NJ doesn't matter squat, I can't control this disease even if my family were the Soprano's, and I wasn't responsible for creating it.
In the past when my daughter's addiction was in my face, I crumbled and was beaten down. This happened time and time again because I had no resolution; I just reacted and was manipulated by the disease. The addict is powerful and slick. That was not my precious daughter anymore I was dealing with. Al-Anon provided me with tools to make me stronger in mind and spirit, as well as clearing my vision of a path towards peace and serenity back in my life.
I encourage EVERYONE that has a loved one in their life that is struggling with addiction to get support. Try it. Find an Al-Anon meeting and go. Give it a month or two. Try a couple different meetings groups. Read the literature. I recommend Courage to Change. Mine is on my coffee table and when I need some inspiration and motivation, I open it up to a random place and always find myself smiling after I am done reading.
Or you can continue to do this alone. Crying yourself to bed another night. Giving them just one more chance. Saying you’re sorry for something YOU did not do. Sitting there alone and wondering and worrying if they will overdose today or may be out on the streets possibly getting raped or murdered. Alone and letting the disease drain all the happiness and life out of you.
Try it. Support is the key.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
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