Heartbroken Mothers of Adult Children Alcoholics and Addicts

Behind Closed Lids of Slumber, You Are There

I do not know what it is like to lose a loved one to the disease of addiction, but what I have experienced has been a very long period of just "hanging on and not knowing".  It is when you ask them to leave and cannot continue to have a healthy relationship with them and distance between both of you increases.  You spend less and less time with this person, even though they are in your daily thoughts for most of the day.
When I go on the internet and type in key words to gather more and more information every opportunity I can on this disease, there are times when I stop to read posts from parents that share their experiences of losing a child to drugs or alcohol, or having their loved one be so deep into the addiction that it led to being incarcerated for a very long time.
These experiences I cannot relate to, however I do know loss.  My mind senses it every day.  I look at the phone and expect it to ring.  I often walk pass my front room window in my home and wonder if the car slowing down my street could be pulling into my driveway.  What do I expect?  What am I waiting for to happen?
I hold on.  The hope that sustains me will not perish.  Each day, there could be a slight chance that it will be the day when the phone does ring, or the knock at the door is the one I have been expecting.  What?  Who is it that I imagine would be at my doorstep when I open the door?
Tonight like every other night for almost twelve years I will lie down to go to sleep and as I lie there in the darkness of my room waiting for slumber to take me to the peacefulness of nightly rest, I will see her face and as always ask my God to be with her and bless her.  Watch over her and keep her safe.  Let her hear a voice within her one day soon that will encourage her to pick up the phone and call, or to find a ride to bring her to my front door.  One day, to bring the distance that is now so far and wide between closer by her reaching out with her hand for help and I can be there to take it. 
Closing my eyes and behind my lids I will begin to dream, because it is there that I have begun to etch the image of those dreams that will carry into the hours that my body and soul shall rest.  Having her there she remains so close to me, until daybreak and I awake to the blessings of another day.  Hope continues.