GROUNDHOG'S DAY

Reoccurring events that take place in my life involving my addict daughter resemble that movie Groundhog’s Day…where the same scenario plays out over and over and over again.

Two weeks ago was another episode of “Groundhog’s Day” for me.  Prior to which my daughter keeps at her distance…no contact with us.  No phone calls, no emails…no “Happy Thanksgiving Mom”…zero.  Then the insanity begins…again.  Sunday night we are preparing for work the next day and seeing that everything is set for my grand-daughter for back to school after the weekend.  We try to get to bed early and settle down to watch some Tivo’d shows followed by early bedtime preparations that lead us all into our comfy beds where we all settle down and nod off.

For the past two years since my daughter’s meth use has escalated, Sunday’s are usually the nights when the panic telephone calls come through beginning at 9 p.m.  Lately though, the osteoarthritis in my knee has been so painful, I have been heading to bed earlier knowing that I will most likely be up several times during the night from the pain.  I plug my cell phone in downstairs and head up to my bedroom, close the door and try my best to fall asleep.  Around 1:30 a.m., I was up to get some Aleve and more water and checked my cell phone as I walked through the kitchen. 

I notice the icon for text message with the sign that I had a new message.  Wide awake from the pain, I check the message to read the first text from my daughter asking that I call her at my soonest.  The text was sent at 10 p.m.  The next text came in ten minutes later asking me to send her my husband’s phone number.  Then came the voicemails.  The first one was not even audible.  It sounded like she was sobbing and whispering and saying something to call her because she couldn’t take it anymore.  This call came in around 10 p.m. too.  Two other voicemails followed, but they were from odd numbers that I did not recognize.  Her message was to please call me at that number when I got the message.  When I called the number it was a clinic.  I followed the prompts until I spoke to a live person and asked for my daughter.  They would not confirm my daughter was there as a patient.  Of course they wouldn’t because of privacy laws, so I called other numbers associated with my daughter.  All went to straight to voicemails.

Next thing I knew, I jumped on my computer and sent her off an email.

I took my phone to bed with me and checked it every half hour.  Total sleep that night was about three hours.  I was up at 5:45 a.m. to get going myself and my grand-daughter ready for work and school.  I tried calling all the numbers from morning to mid-afternoon, without any connection.  No answer to my texts or emails either.

I drove home from work that night and just prayed.  I asked God to please take care of her because I just had too much on my plate right now and wasn’t able to do it anymore.  She is 34 years old and she is choosing not to get help for her addiction.  I prayed that God would lead her towards a path that would one day provide her with the opportunity to get help…hopefully soon.  I asked God to keep her safe and to bless her with recovery soon for her addiction so that she could one day return to us and life a healthy and full life and be a mom again to her daughter.

The love I have for my daughter will never diminish, and it is that love that throws this huge boulder in the path of my own recovery from enabling and serenity.  That boulder lands and the first thing you know, I doubt that I am powerless over this disease.  My trust in my Higher Power seems to vanish, as I allow myself to be consumed with worry and fear….fear of losing my daughter to this disease.

I come to grips again through prayer, meditation and Al-anon meetings so that my life is back on track again, although in the back of my mind there has been no resolution that she is alright.  No word from her yet still.

Then, this past Thursday as my Grand-daughter and I were having breakfast I asked if she had heard from her mom lately.  She confirmed that she hadn’t either.  My grand-daughter picked up the phone and called her.  It was early, not even 7 a.m. and as I sipped my coffee the doubt that she would answer on the other end seemed inevitable, but surprisingly we both heard a sleepy voice answer the phone saying, “Hi honey, how are you?”  My grand-daughter asked her how she was doing and as the conversation lengthened, she also asked why she had been at a hospital and had called Grand-mom so late leaving scary message on her phone for help.  She told my grand-daughter that it was nothing and not to worry about it and that everything was fine.  My grand-daughter asked her if she had over-dosed and if she was at the hospital because of drugs.  Her mom told her that she didn’t want to talk to her about it, and my grand-daughter told her mother that she never wanted to talk about it.  That she never wanted to get help and that she didn’t want to talk to her either until she DID want to talk about it and until she DID want to get help and then hung up the phone.

As I was listening to this conversation, all I could think about was that she was “fine”.  She never called us or tried to contact us to let us know that she was okay or apologize.  She had no clue of the worry that she provokes from her panic calls.  She was fine.  Great!

Then; as I stared into the innocent little face across from me, I reached across and placed my hand over my grand-daughter’s and bowed my head and prayed a prayer of thanks to God that my daughter was okay and that He continue to watch over and protect her and to one day lead her to getting help for her addiction. 

As we finished breakfast, we both looked at one another.  Our love for one another gets us through each day.  We have each other….and that is one absolutely glorious blessing.

What the impact of these Groundhog Days has taught me is that I really need to trust my Higher Power and stop thinking I am in control.  I go back so quickly to that “I need to fix this” mode, and forget I am powerless which only leaves me drained emotionally. 

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.